Chemist Boots has been forced to close after remains of specially farmed humans were found in 12 of their products.

The discovery comes after police stumbled upon a Gypsy farm in East Malling. Police found the farm in April when they were playing in a field and heard screams. The screams lead police to an 6 acre enclosure surrounded by an 4 foot high fence with Gypsies running about inside like giant ants, some of them literally just skeletons but still barely alive. Police were shocked to find a barn which had been converted into a makeshift abattoir by adding machetes and buckets. The carcasses of skinned gypsies were hung decoratively from the rafters as crimson blood soaked the floor. They also found a sheep with the Boots logo on it.

This sheep metaphorically drove police to the head office of Boots, which is Italy, and a investigation of all Boots’ products was demanded. A team of scientits from Ketterbridge Institute spent 2 months analysing Boots’ extensive range using a raft of modern chemistry tools. Once again, that raft is metaphorical. Using Kinematic Titration, a method also used to test if bacteria are homosexual, the scientits found human remains in 12 products from Boots’ “Lovely Lady About Town” range, which lead to the arrest of all prime staff at Boots.

Among the arrested was Boots Captain Grangredo Degrezziom, facing charges of being bad man. If convicted, he could be in prison for up to 80 years. The move of using dead humans in products has been described as a “PR nightmare” by experts.

The Gypsies have been reunited with their families or released into the wild.