When I was younger and had at least one friend, we used to have a thing where whenever we did something to a slightly larger degree than normal, we would say “World record”. I feel this happened quite a few times but I can only remember twice. The first was when we were eating pizza and we both managed to get a string of cheese going from the pizza in our hands at the end of our respective outstretched arms to our mouths. I was probably about 10, so that’s about a 20cm or however long a little boy’s arm is of stretched cheese, which I think could well be a World record. The second time was when I threw a Happy Meal or other such toy in the air about one whole metre. I said it was a World record, but my friend tried to spoil my victory by saying that one had probably been thrown higher. I said something like “Yeah, but not this one”. Here are some other World records I have set.

1. The most sandwiches eaten in one 24 hour period – 8 I only really eat sandwiches in multiples of two because one doesn’t fill me up and otherwise the bread goes mouldy too quickly. If you think you have beaten this record, they have to all be ham sandwiches and one must have the last of a bottle of sweet chilli sauce on it and the rest must have HP sauce on them.
2. The tallest coins tower built with no regard to structural integrity by number of coins – About 20 You know what I can’t stand? Coins. Not with my shaky Parkinson’s hands anyway. I did a bit of an Icarus and built too close to the Sun the first time before it came crashing down, 9/11 style. It was 2 feet high I swear. Alas, I only have evidence of the slightly smaller rubbish tower. To be eligible, the coins must all be minted in the same years the coins I used were.
3. The most masturbations in one day – About 70 This was done one day before I could actually ejaculate but still get the feeling. I spent pretty much the whole day wanking my little acorn winky. Nothing has changed. If you want to beat the record, you must use my penis, as the record is a measure of the best technique rather than the most cum in testes.
4. Longest album on a single disk – 2.6 hours This, of course, is the vastly underrated Phthigm, managing to pack 2.6 hours of a music onto a lowly floppy disk using the midi file format. To beat this record, you have to be about 15 when you made the music.
5. Deepest navel- 2.5 cm The measurement is taken from the bottom of the navel to sea level. I don’t know why it’s called a belly button when most go inwards, unlike buttons. It should really be called a belly cunt, or belly port if you are too young to swear. To be eligible to compete, you must be exactly the same weight as me, because nobody thinner than me could win, and nobody wants to look at an obese person’s belly cunt. If you are a woman, I will happy to measure how deep your belly port is using my special tool. I will also measure your lower belly port using the same tool.